GEE WHIZ?! Was I Really That Dirty? White Washcloth Leadership
I’ve been traveling a lot lately, and this idea has been with me for a while. I have finally brought the idea to full fruition! Warning: I leaned in HARD on this one, but I’m also talking to myself. Welcome to my brain! I’d like this to serve as an end-of-year reflection, either individual or group. So share and discuss!
There’s something unsettling about a white hotel washcloth. At home, I don’t think much about it. I use darker towels, move through my bathing routine, and keep it pushing. But at a hotel? That bright white washcloth tells on me every single time.
And without fail, I have the same reaction:
“Gee whiz… was I really that dirty?”
But the truth is, I didn’t suddenly become dirtier because the color of the washcloth was white. The contrast just exposed what had been there all along…my dirt!
That’s the uncomfortable thing about self-awareness.
Sometimes we think discomfort means something new has appeared in us. In reality, awareness is often just increased visibility. The habit was already there. The impatience was already there. The interruptions, sharp tone, avoidance, defensiveness, egotism, resentment, inconsistency—none of these arrived overnight.
The lighting just changed. The environment changed. The mirror you were looking in got cleaned. Who knows?!
Leadership has a way of handing us emotional white washcloths…
- A difficult conversation…A stressful season.
Comparing yourself to others because you think that is how it should be done.
Unexpected feedback that sits heavy in your spirit.
Watching someone else lead with confidence while you quietly question yourself.
Realizing you’ve been performing leadership instead of embodying it.
And whew… that kind of awareness does not feel good.
I’ve been spending some time recently researching feedback. Sometimes feedback touches more than behavior. It touches identity. You know that’s my jam.
You start comparing yourself to the more experienced leader. The one who seems polished… Certain… Respected… Naturally confident.
Meanwhile, you’re over here second-guessing your voice, overexplaining your decisions, shape-shifting how you show up depending on the room, or trying to lead like somebody else because you’re not fully settled in who you are yet.
That kind of uncertainty will have you shape-shifting quickly.
- You’ll copy communication styles that don’t fit you.
- Adopt leadership personas that feel forced.
- Suppress emotions to appear “strong.”
- Work to perfect tasks rather than build character.
- Try to sound like someone else, be like someone else, write like someone else, present like someone else…
Not because you’re fake, but because identity insecurity makes people search for safety in imitation. (Yup I said it — quote by Dr. Kim.)
But leadership gets exhausting when you’re constantly managing an image instead of developing yourself.
That’s why emotions and character are the soul of leadership.
Eventually, leadership exposes the difference between performance and authenticity. Pressure has a way of revealing whether your operations are rooted in identity or imitation.
Most of the time, people don’t mind growth in theory. However, they do mind being exposed. We love the idea of becoming better. We buy books, listen to podcasts, and read blogs and articles. We just don’t enjoy seeing the residue on the washcloth that proves there’s still work to do. Maybe the goal isn’t to avoid the discomfort; maybe the goal is to stop mistaking visibility for failure.
The white washcloth wasn’t attacking me. It was simply making visible what darker washcloths allowed me to ignore… and maybe self-awareness works the same way.
What I’m Sitting With
I’m realizing that self-awareness can feel deeply personal because it challenges the stories we tell ourselves about who we are. Sometimes the discomfort isn’t about the feedback itself. It’s about what the feedback interrupts.
Our image…Our confidence…Our identity…Our need to feel capable. Our need to feel seen. Our need to be needed…
And when we aren’t fully grounded in who we are, it becomes easy to compare ourselves to people further ahead, imitate leadership styles that don’t fit us, or confuse performance with growth.
Visibility is not punishment. Exposure is not failure. Awareness is an opportunity.
The question is whether we have the courage to stay present long enough to learn from what has been revealed, rather than rushing to defend, hide, or perform our way around it.
Reflection Questions
Where in your leadership are you resisting authenticity?
What feedback, emotional pattern, or leadership habit keeps surfacing that you may need to stop dismissing and start examining?
How are you building your leadership from who you truly are… or from who you think you need to be?
